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I am unconfortable about my husband's love of sports
By crushed
9/15/2010 8:54:57 PM
Here it goes again dear brothers and sisters, I want you wise councils. My husband had two passions in life, Porn of course and sports!!!! Troughout our marriage, he has spent a big amount of time on one or the other, often and almost always the sport was covering for the porn. Everytime he wanted to watch porn, he would tell me not to wait for him and go to bed because he he wanted to wacht the game. This happen at least once or twice a week. He is into the viewing of every sport!!! So it never ends, almost!!! He told me that, he would usually tell himself that all he was going to do was wacht a game, but then he always ended up after his game late at night watching porn as well. That is how he covered up for years and I never suspected porn. The sport habbit has been a source of huge contention for us, he would often neglect our relationship to go watch a game. If I was unfortunate and my birthday or an annyversary was on the day of an important game, I could forget him. When the whole thing came to light, I told him I was not going to stay if both his addictions were not out!!! I wanted them out of my life completely!!!! They were interconnected and went hand to hand. It was automatic for him after a game, time for porn!!! It was difficult for him to give sports completely off, but I would not stay, and after lots of arguments he agreed. He thinks however that there is nothing wrong in watching sports.. I agree, except in his case it was another addiction wich has the potential to take over everything that is important. I just want it out and out of my life for ever!!! He had relunctanlty agreed a couple of months ago, and recently I have found him connected, reading about sports, etc.. everyday for a few months now he goes on the sports site, and I just found out now, I thought he had completely given it up!!!! Now... I feel a little betrayed, because I feel he could have at least told me he was breaking a promise. He feels he is doing nothing wrong, then I asked why did he not tell me. He says that it is such a little thing, I am overeacting, etc.... His big argument, he does not owe me anything because I am still angry. He feels I am not making efforts to advance and he should be allowed to do whatever he wants. This made me feel even worse as you can imagine... What else is he hiding???? I believe him, I think it is true when he says he is not doing porn. However, I know that the way Satan works with him is that he will get him trough sports like in the past. He tells me he only reads about sports.. and he does not inted on wachting it like he did in the past. However, I worry, because it is a little sport now, latter, and slowly he will wnat to wacht like he did before, and one thing is going to lead to another and you bothers know how Satan works. And it scares me .. that is how I lost my husband and he is ready to chance it again... Am I being unreasonnable???? Should I stand back and let go of it?? Am I too controlling???
I am afraid, our poor family is so fragile, the happiness of my family and of our small children hangs on such a fragile balance..... And I am tired of the same arguments over and over again, I was hoping that this one was dead. And now, I am not so sure... Am I overeacting?? I feel so vulnerable, I do not know if he is ready to do anything it takes to keep us together and reassure me..... I doub it now.. If he breaks a small promise, how long can he keep big ones??

Comments:

a tough question    
"Hello Crushed. This is a very difficult question. I understand your concern with sports since he used them in the past to hide his behavior from you. I would never say, you're wrong - you have been wronged. But I do want to provide some input from another recovering addict's perspective.

There is a key difference between men and women psychologically. And that is that men compartmentalize VERY easily, while for women everything is interconnected somehow. So to your husband, sports is just sports. He could have used anything to cover up the porn. Sports was convenient. If sports is taken out of the picture and your husband was to return to his porn addiction, I'm sorry to say, but he would just find something else to cover it up. The cover ups are not the problem. The addiction is the problem. In my case, I used work meetings to cover up my behavior. My wife thought I was in meetings at work, when in fact I was doing other things. Now, unless I want to be completely unemployed, it's impossible to give up work meetings. They are simply a fact of life. We have to learn to deal with the ISSUES and NOT stress about the symptoms. The things we use to cover up are symptoms of the addiction.

Now, that said, I think your husband needs to be willing to meet you halfway here. Perhaps he can watch sports when you're around. Maybe he agrees to no more late night sporting events. Tivo or DVR is great. He can record it and watch it during the day. Maybe you can snuggle up to him on the couch and watch the game with him. My wife and I enjoy watching sports together and maybe it's an interest you can develop too. I just think there are better, more REALISTIC ways of dealing with your concerns than saying no sports whatsoever."
posted at 22:59:31 on September 15, 2010 by derek
Godd stuff Derek.    
"Every summer I become a Baseball Widower and every fall I become a college football casualty. I was never into sports but my wife lives for baseball and BYU football. A typical BYU game involves having friends over, chips and dip and a lot of yelling when the opposing team gets a touch down. Several times I sat in the room pretending to watch but was reading a book instead.
Yesterday, for my wife's birthday, I bought her a Jersey from her favorite baseball player of all time- Carlos Pena, of the Tampa Bay Rays. AND- I bought a Evan Longoria jersey for myself so that we could have matching shirts. It was a big hit. A win-win situation.

Do you have any sons? Encourage them to get into competitive sports with thier dad as a coach. One more bit of advise, Google Football widows or google Lavelle Edwards wife and the things she did to facilitate her amazing football coach husband did.
This can be turned around into a good family tradition- no addiction- healthy and good for you endeavor. Excelsior."
posted at 05:45:41 on September 16, 2010 by migail3
Crushed,    
"You're not being unreasonable or unrealistic AT ALL! My husband also loves sports. I'm sure he loves watching the game but I'm also sure he loves watching the cheerleaders and the dancers bouncing around in their skimpy outfits. If he had any kind of compassion for you and what you're going through he'd stop. Is a basketball game as important as making his eternal companion feel safe and loved? Apparently it's more important. I'm so sorry for you! You deserve so much better....."
posted at 11:33:25 on September 16, 2010 by Anonymous
Red Flag!!    
"He's justifying the breaking of promises because you are still angry!? A HUGE RED FLAG!!! There should be nothing in your behavior that justifies in his mind the breaking of any promises he has made to you. Period!!"
posted at 11:54:40 on September 16, 2010 by Anonymous
A question    
"I would suggest to ask him the following question. "Is watching sports more important than our relationship?" If his answer is yes (by words or by actions) then you have some important decisions to make. I find it interesting that the men on the site don't think watching sports is that bad. Any maybe it isn't really. The important thing here is that he promised he wouldn't and he broke yet another promise. That's the issue here. Addcits justify. Addicts rationalize. Addicts convince themselves that what they're doing is not wrong because my wife does such and such. Sound familiar? I'm not saying your husband isn't still in recovery. He may be. But he definitly is ACTING like an addict."
posted at 12:02:34 on September 16, 2010 by Anonymous
Sigh!    
"..."I find it interesting that the 'men' on this site don't think watching sports is that bad." Dear Anonymous Three... all three posts by anonymous appear to be the same person. Please stop for a moment and realize that a broken promise or a whole string of broken promises is no reason to say- "You deserve so much better...." or "breaking promises...Period" or 'he definitely is ACTING like an addict." We are dealing with precious souls here. Crushed is/or can discover that having a promise broken is no reason to remain crushed. As a daughter of Heavenly Father, she is RESILIENT. Emotional resiliency is a gift of the Spirit. As a man, I think that Crushed and her wavering husband are redeemable and that having a husband who is a sports geek is a good thing. I have a wife who is a sports chick (geek is for guys) and her brain is hard wired for those murder mystery shows that about 90% of the women in the church watch every night while there husbands are at church meetings. You know, CSI. Missing, The Closer etc,. on ad finitum.

Crushed is in a position to really help her husband in his recovery and how she handles it will determine the type of life she will live for the rest of her life. If she throws the bum out then it is likely that she will have to deal with this all over again with some other guy. If she handles this with the Holy Spirit as her guide, with priesthood counsel and working the program, what a leader she will turn out to be. If he refuses to repent and seek forgiveness then she will have been blessed for the effort."
posted at 12:38:08 on September 16, 2010 by migail3
But things ARE connected....    
"Don't you think that one of the reasons so many men fall is because they don't "make the connection" that Derek mentioned. Life isn't a bunch of compartments....All things intertwine.
All things.

I wish your husband was handling this in a more sensitive manner. He forgets easily, I've noticed in your posts, that his healing began when your hell became fullly realized. At the very least, you would think he would kindly try to show you that his addiction and love of sports isn't related..... and/or agree to do things to safe guard himself and spare your worry. I also don't like how defensive he is getting and how he is justifying his behavior....blaming you.
These are immature/addiction behaviors. Maybe there are different layers in healing the addict, too: Get rid of the porn, etc, Get rid of bad habits that get you caught (CONNECTING everyday actions with triggers), and be reprogrammed to be sensitive to the needs of those you've been blaming for your bad behavior? He still has some healing/work to do . Who knows, you may end up with a better man than you married if he takes it seriously.

I also have to tell you from experience that it was very hard for me to watch my husband go back to do "normal" things. Because we are having to trust. I still feel uncomfortable when I
find out my husband went to the gas station to pick up ice cream or milk. It feels careless to me. We completely scour our home and lives only to have them continue on as they did before? I hate the gas station. And for the record, I hate the superbowl (commercials).

As your "friend" I want to remind you of something that you already know. You suggested the book "Codependent No More". I hope you keep reading it over and over. Different things will pop out at you at different stages of your healing. Remember, happiness can't be soley based on what our husbands do or don't do. He has choices and so do you. In the end of all of this, you will have joy again. With or without him. You will be very happy again. Try to remember this when you are hurting.

Take good care of yourself,"
posted at 13:02:15 on September 16, 2010 by enough
Compromise    
"So sorry Crushed! Never feel like your feelings are invalid. Please! You have a right to be confused, angry, hurt and all those other fun things we go through when we're trying to recover from something like this. Eventually, you'll get over the anger and find peace. I promise. I know it doesn't feel like it will ever happen but it will. Just hang in there!

Having said that, about the sports thing. I feel ya sister!! My husband was a sports addict, too. When he started recovery...and I mean TRUE recovery where he was willing to do ANYTHING to fix this mess...he stopped watching TV at all. No sports, no favorite programs, no nothing. Once we got to a good place, he started watching sports again. I had no problem with this (but then again he had never promised he wouldn't like in your situation) until one day when I happened to be walking by and saw the camera was zoomed in on the cheerleaders. My heart sank and I quickly left the room. I realized that even watching sports wasn't "safe" for a recovering addict. My husband could tell I was upset even though I denied it and he's smart enough by now to realize when I say nothings wrong that in fact something IS wrong. I didn't even have to tell him why I was upset, he figured it out. From that point on, instead of watching the games, he watches the highlights on the nightly sports channel. This way he gets to find out what happened without actually wasting two hours in front of the tele. It's a win-win. He gets his sports fix and I get the security of knowing he's not sitting there staring at the cheerleaders. Marraige is about compromise. I know your husband promised to not watch sports anymore but maybe a compromise is in order? Something where you're both happy? It's all about avoiding even the appearance of sin for me and my husband. If it will put doubt in my mind, my husband simply won't do it.

The real problem here seems to be him breaking his promise to you. That is definitly something that needs to be addressed. I don't have much advice for you there. You can't MAKE him keep promises. You can't drive yourself crazy trying to enforce your rules, either. I don't know what to tell you...other than that sucks! It's hard to trust as it is, but catching him doing something that he promised he wouldn't is shattering. You have every right to be upset.

Thanks for your comments to me on the loved ones side! You're a sweetheart. :)
Sierra"
posted at 13:08:27 on September 16, 2010 by sierra
Not discounting the broken promises.    
"Certainly, promises have been broken. I'm not trying to rationalize that away. However, the fact is that it is instinctual to have a knee-jerk reaction when we begin recovery and commit to doing this and this and this other thing and being a spiritual giant. We read scriptures for an hour or 2 a day, we don't watch TV, we listen to only conference talks in the car, we eliminate sports, we go to a recovery meeting (or two) every day, we pray for hours at a time, we commit to change EVERYTHING that's imperfect about us. And we succeed! For at least a few weeks. But then, inevitably life gets in the way. We let something slide, then another, and eventually we aren't doing ANYTHING and we view ourselves as failures because YET AGAIN we weren't good enough to change AND YET AGAIN we've broken promises - to ourselves, to our spouse, to God. So a couple of things:

1. What we need to do instead is find a REALISTIC, MAINTAINABLE recovery that incorporates daily activities that we can do each day forever. Our first reaction is always to make drastic changes in our life, but drastic changes ARE NOT MAINTAINABLE. SA talks about PROGRESSIVE victory over lust. We can have progressive victory over all of our weaknesses. Immediate victory over our weaknesses is not realistic and to expect it is to set ourselves up to fail. I think it was Elder Oaks who reminded us that the extraordinary examples of drastic change for the Almas in the Book of Mormon are just that - extraordinary, and not the norm.

2. Making and keeping covenants (promises) is a LEARNING PROCESS. None of us is perfect at keeping every promise we make. If you think you are, go listen to the promises you make during the sacrament prayers and evaluate your life against those promises. If you're perfect at it, then you should probably prepare for translation shortly. We have to learn to make and keep promises. For example, make a promise of something you will do each day to the Lord in your prayers. Then at the end of the day, report back to the Lord at how you did keeping your promise. Sometimes, if you didn't get it done, you might be able to go and do it before you go to sleep. Other times, you have to repent and try to do a better job the next day on whatever you promise for that day. But you won't be perfect! We get so busy expecting perfection of ourselves and others that we deny the atonement and the need for it. If you haven't yet, PLEASE read The Continuous Atonement, by Brad Wilcox (http://deseretbook.com/Continuous-Atonement-Brad-Wilcox/i/5013881 ). Brother Wilcox does a great job of showing doctrinally that repentance is a continual process and that even after failure after failure after failure, the Lord is there, Atonement fully intact and available to you.

That's my .02 worth. Work WITH your husband at his life change. He DOES have to change his life. But together you two can work out realistic arrangements and commitments that help your husband stay on the road to recovery and help you to feel safe and your relationship to heal."
posted at 13:30:56 on September 16, 2010 by derek
Your feelings are justified    
"Crushed,
I feel your feelings are valid. He made a promise and he broke it. Sure, it's about sports, but that doesn't mean you feel betrayed and hurt. I don't know if addicts realize that a lot of the pain of finding out about the addiction is all the lies, lies, lies, betrayal, etc. I hate the thought that I was lied to over and over. My whole life felt like a lie!!! I hate that!

My husband also would lie to me about "small things". He'd go to the movie theater by himself. I know this may sound small, but it annoyed me as we were on a tight budget, and I didn't like the thought of him going without me. It hurt when I found out (through credit card statements, no less). I just wish he would have been honest and we could've compromised. But yet again, this is when he was involved in his porn addiction.

I guess I don't have any real advice, I just want you to know that you're not crazy. I completely understand what you may be feeling. It hurts and he needs to understand that. I'll keep you in my prayers."
posted at 14:02:54 on September 16, 2010 by time2heal
Hi all and thanks for your words    
"I am Crushed's husband. My wife has been using this site and I have read a bit for some time.
Just want to say you are all right. While sports is not the evil, I do know that trust is a fragile thing. My wife will probably kill me after reading this but just want you guys to know how supportive you have all been to her. I am trying hard to fix things. I suppose I am learning things here too. While I did say I was going to avoid sports all together, I forgot (surprizing now is'nt it) how it was going to be understood by my wife. I am in this process learning as much as I can. It is not easy and I get the wrong I have caused. I honestly did not think it would be such a big deal as I was not necessarily hiding it. We have covernant eyes installed and so more than once she has questioned me on subject matter she has come accross so I knew full well I was not really hiding it. I assumed she was aware of it. I did not delete any history either, if I wanted to hide it I could have done any number of things. Look I have gone from watching 4 hrs of sport on a saturday coupled with hrs of sports pages a week to just 20 mins a week of updates. I do not watch anything anymore and honestly don't miss it. I just enjoy following the updates. I decided to get rid of the TV, and I have not watched sports on our computer. So enough justifying as us poor addicts do...

I do however see where I went wrong in not addressing the change in behavior for the sports. I see the link between lies, half truths and not keeping my word. How fragile trust can be in this situation.
To respond to the posters who clearly voiced red flags well you captured the essence of the addict did'nt you?

I love my wife and am trying to show it through my actions but dumbness as assuming that she would be OK with me reading updates on sports did not cut it.

You know what they say Assume makes an ASS out of U and ME. Though there there is only one ASS here and I will let you figure out who it is.

Cheers"
posted at 15:33:54 on September 16, 2010 by Anonymous
Thanks Husband of Crushed,    
"I also see a definite difference in approach between the men and women who responded. The men want to try and "fix" the problem for her while the women realize she just needed to be heard and know that she is not alone or going crazy. I try really hard not to fix my wife's problems because I've realized through the years that all I have to do is really LISTEN and try hard to UNDERSTAND what she is going through. When I do that, she has no problem solving the problems herself. Dear husband of crushed: That was a humble and brave post and I wish you and your marriage so much healing because it is so obvious to me that you both LOVE eachother."
posted at 16:41:45 on September 16, 2010 by Anonymous
Husband here again    
"It should read "I love my wife and am trying to show it through my actions but DUMBASS as assuming...."

Call me DUMBASS as Alias it is a lot efficient that Husband of Crush.

Thanks for the word anonymous poster."
posted at 17:11:58 on September 16, 2010 by Anonymous
Let it go, work on your own recovery.    
"would say although you are hurt and angry, and rightfully so, You need to work your own program. The three C's of a codependent spouse are: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I cant' cure it. Your threats and anger are a way of trying to control him and your trying to do his recovery for him. I tried for years to do the same thing with my husband. All it did was cause tension and literally made me physically sick and crazy. I learned to let it go. Let him sink. Let him do what ever he needed to do. I had to let go. Was it hard? Yes, but I learned to take care of myself and not worry and police everything he did. You may not like to hear this, but you need to let it go. Work on your own recovery, attend family support meetings, Al anon or whatever you need to do to learn to not be so codependent.
My husband hit rock bottom by dying. Do I wish I could have pulled him back from the edge. Yes, but by doing so, I would have sunk down right along with him. Untie the rope and let him go."
posted at 18:04:26 on September 16, 2010 by BTTB
Hey Donkey!    
"I like Shrek's terminology better. You have my heartfelt endorsement of your posts. And I salute your Crushed wife. From a man's perspective, I can empathize but to be able to FEEL the way a woman feels takes some mental effort and prayerful request for understanding.
Several of the sisters commented about how dreadfully awful it is to be exposed to these godless cheerleaders. Brigham Young's son tried to ban cheer leading from the 1st BYU football team. Today, the BYU cheerleaders are respectfully dressed and are very athletic.
The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are guilty of voyeurism.

And speaking of that, MY DEAR SISTERS, do not dress for Sacrament meeting in form fitting clothes with exposed cleavage. As a former Young Men's President I have had to teach my Deacons, Teachers and Priests on how to pass the Sacrament to sisters who had short skirts and low cut tops. Forget about cheerleaders. And our sister investigator's who come to Sacrament with ultra tight clothes (that is all they have) and tattoos that invite you to look, -------What suggestion do you have for us brethren?
I go up to them, shake their hand, meet the rest of their family, show them to class and go to the missionary huddle meetings in our Ward to discuss their progress. We have one such sister who is taking the discussions, wears provocative clothing, is trying to get off of drugs and cigarettes and we have invited her to our AR meetings.

What a wonderful thing. She loves the Gospel and we will watch over the next few weeks a change in wardrobe, a change in habits and a conversion to the Gospel. So sisters, if you see an investigator sister, treat her like a sister and not like a predatious alligator. Don't make us brethren do all of the fellow shipping and friend shipping. Be the guardians of the Priesthood that the Lord called you to be. You have my utmost respect and especially you Donkey!"
posted at 20:33:22 on September 16, 2010 by migail3
GO SOX!    
"Ya know L. Tom threw the first pitch of the game at Fenway just a few years ago? Yankees suck! Woo

If my wife said "are the Red Sox more important then this relationship?" I'm afraid I'd laugh and say "Of coarse honey. You know that." ;) ;)

Jk guys jk. "
posted at 08:42:52 on September 17, 2010 by They Speak
One thing the Red Sox taught this addict    
"In 2004 the Sox were down 3 games to 0 to their eternal foe the mighty Yankee's in the 7 game ALCS series. For those who don't know that's IN-FREAKING-POSSIBLE to come back from (a lot like addiction).

When Terry Frankona (the Boston Red Sox manager) was asked about their bleak situation and a game plan he responded calmly and confidently "all ya gotta do is win a game"...and you know what? They conquered the impossible "one game at a time" with signs in the park exclaiming "we believe" and "keep the faith" to help them along the way and went on to win the World Series!!!

Life is a game of baseball. All ya gotta do is win a game."
posted at 08:57:28 on September 17, 2010 by They Speak


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