By roast_rump
10/26/2007 10:35:30 PM
Here is a question to throw out there. Every recovery meeting, before the sharing time, the facilitator goes over the rules of conduct, reminds about confidentiality, and says that we shouldn't engage in cross-talking. If anyone hasn't been able to attend a meeting, they usually define cross-talk as directly referring to another individual's comments in your own sharing. If you have something to say about them, then you should address it to yourself so you are not telling people what they should do, etc. I think that this is done for a very good reason- it lets people feel comfortable sharing thoughts without any fear of getting made fun of or belittled. Or, if they want to remain out of the spotlight, it keeps them that way.
So, the question is this:
How does or how should that relate to an online forum such as this?
Lots of times people ask for advice so it seems only natural to answer questions with what we think is best. Also, this is more anonymous than a general recovery meeting. If there is something that I don't want to read I can just scroll down and pretend that it doesn't exist (there hasn't been anything so far) or I could just ignore it altogether and never read the blog.
I would truly hate to offend anyone. Sometimes I want to share what worked and works for me but what are ways to do that without saying "Thou shalt do this..." or "Thou shalt think this way..."
Anyway, if people have suggestions for kind ways to share advice without being pushy, or how we should deal with the "cross-talk" issue in a non AR group meeting, shout out.


Excellent question!    
"...but unfortunately I have no suggestions."
posted at 13:30:57 on October 27, 2007 by Anonymous
Good point    
"In reading your post I realized that I have really not seen this forum as being the same as a recovery meeting - but I should. And, come to think of it, the few times that I have a problem with web forums it is because of that very thing. I am always best inspired by someone sharing their own experience and not telling me what to do. Even if I ask for advice I am most inspired by the "this worked for me" approach.

The tough thing is that the blog culture is often very opinion and debate driven. Sometimes I kind of compare it to aggresive angry drivers. The combative and confrontational tendencies seem to come out for some because they can use their anonymity to be unfettered and unfiltered - in all the wrong ways.

Having said all that, I appreciate your perspective on this site. I, for one will look at this site in a more respectful way and choose to not cross talk or preach."
posted at 07:41:15 on October 29, 2007 by matt2
"I think most of what would probably be termed "cross-talk" that I've seen on this site is invited by the writer. Usually, whoever is writing is inviting replies, so it's a bit different. However, I think the principles of respect and treating others the way we want to be treated should govern all our interactions. I have had times at recovery meetings, for example, when someone was talking about how they had relapsed because in a moment of weakness they simply entered in the password to disable the filter. When my turn comes, I'm able to give a suggestion without "cross-talking" by saying something like, "My wife and I did something with our filter that's really worked well - we each have half of the password, so it requires us both to be able to unlock the filter." Hopefully the person is listening to that little suggestion. If my turn is already passed, I can pull the person off to the side after the meeting and just say something like "I've had some of those same struggles before. Here's what my wife and I did..." And that's not the only scenario. There are many other tips and ideas that those of us who have been on this road for a while can offer to others. By the same token, there is much that we can learn from others also. We all need each others help. I've participated in the church recovery meetings and in some that were done by my counselor where cross-talk and much interaction was not only allowed, but encouraged, as a way of getting the addicts to work together and learn from each other. Both ways have their place and have benefits. I think the most important thing is, regardless of the rules or the type of forum or interaction allowed, respect and love for others should dictate our responses. It's probably impossible 100% of the time, but I think we've done pretty well on this site."
posted at 08:53:34 on October 29, 2007 by derek

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"One of the great myths in life is when men think they are invincible. Too many think that they are men of steel, strong enough to withstand any temptation."

— James E. Faust

General Conference, April 2002