What Do I have to share? I thought it would be different this time
By sjanderson
9/17/2014 12:06:33 PM
No really I don't have anything to report. Or at least there is nothing new to report. So I have nearly two months of sobriety . . . but that doesn't matter cause my wife is still angry at me, and she is now saying that she is mad at me not because of the p@rn and such but because I chose to not go back to school and take out more student loans when she said or thought that was the right way to go. She feels upset that I spoke with my parents about the situation, about my worries about the money about my concerns. I tried to talk to her about how I felt at the same time, but she wasn't willing to listen to me.

I have been staying with my parents for the last month because my wife told me to leave, my mother in law said it would be for the best etc. she said that she would work with my wife to get her into therapy etc. When I told my wife today that therapy for her would be important, she told me that she doesn't need therapy that she is just fine (which seems to contradict a lot of the anger that she has been throwing at me).

All of this being said I have made it a few weeks in my sobriety, but it seems to be anticlimactic when my wife seems to try and tear me down, or not necessarily tear me down but not be positive. I know the answer in my head that I have to turn to God, but my heart is just not in it, I don't feel like he can change what needs to be changed or fix what needs to be fixed. I have been waiting for him to do that with very little success. I am not sure I can hold on for much longer, but I can hold on for today.

thanks for listening


Living as if    
"Hey SJ,

Your situation is not fun. I'm thankful I'm not where you are. I will pray for you.

You are completely flipping your wife's world upside down by fixing yourself. Notice that if she can't blame the porn, she's going to blame something else you are doing. She obviously believes that you are the cause of all her problems, and as you (for your own reasons) improve yourself, you are also removing her excuses. Can you see how that could be subconsciously frustrating for her? The more excuses you remove, and her problems remain, the more she will subconsciously realize that you are not the source of her problems after all. It's never fun to realize that we are the source of our own problems.

And we are.

The same goes for you, too, though SJ. And just like it's not fun for your wife to start realizing that she is the source of the problems in her life (not you), it's probably not fun for you to hear this: you are the source of your own problems, too. Your wife is not.

I promise you that as you keep working on yourself, keep strengthening your spiritual relationship with God, keep working daily to improve your physical body in whatever way you can, keep working to enhance and improve your talents and your mind, keep building new habits and new replacement activities and hobbies, your life will improve. If your wife decides to come along with you, that will be great. If she decides she's through with the marriage, it will all work out. Take care of your mind, your body, and your spirit--your whole self.

Finally, I want to encourage you to visualize exactly what you are hoping for. What is the perfect world you are expecting. If you can't visualize it, then it's no wonder it hasn't happened yet. Visualize the perfect relationship with your family, with yourself. Visualize your perfect body and your perfect relationship with God. Visualize your perfect house, perfect job, and perfect financial situation. Spell it out. Write it out on a paper. Be completely positive. No negative thoughts. Find pictures of that perfect life from the internet and create a collage displaying it. (This is called a "vision board.")

Once you have visualized and written out this perfect life. Think about it morning and night. Stare at the vision board. Whenever you have down time, let your mind drift back to your definite, specific vision. Let it consume you. Whatever you are working on, make sure you see a connection to that vision you are trying to achieve. If you can't see any connection at all, let it go.

Finally, life your life AS IF THE VISION WERE ALREADY TRUE. In your prayers, talk to God as if it were all true. Thank him for all of those blessings as if you already have them. Talk to your wife (if she is in the vision) as if she were the most wonderful person that you have envisioned. Talk to us as if everything were completely wonderful and perfect. Whatever the habits are and the lifestyle you are visualizing, act as if it were all true.

When you act as if something were true, even though it doesn't yet appear to be true, that is called FAITH. And faith is the ultimate power, the moving cause of all action. Faith created the universe. Faith will completely restructure your life. And faith doesn't require anyone else to change...only you.

Give it a try."
posted at 20:59:18 on September 17, 2014 by BeClean
thank you    
Thanks for the positive words. I am grateful for the encouragement and I see a lot of difference in my life over the weeks and months I have been working at this, but realize that the Savior does the heavy lifting as I let go of those things that I hold back. It is putting it into practice that gets complicated:). I also think that I had a false expectation that at x days I things would magically get better. I need to rid myself of those expectations and take each day as it comes.

posted at 08:04:58 on September 18, 2014 by sjanderson
sobriety does matter    
"First off sobriety does matter and you should be proud of your accomplishment! Its not easy to change and choose to fight addiction.
Second, as for your wife remember that anger is 1 chromosome away from fear. So often when someone is acting out in anger what they are really feeling is fear. As a spouse of someone dealing with addiction anger is often the easiest emotion to express. For me I looked at times of sobriety as a respite and lived still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would push my husband away and lash out to protect myself from more pain. I have just now started to let my walls down and let me tell you this is the most difficult for me. I can't stress enough to just be as patient as possible and realize where the anger is coming from. Pray for your wife and just try to show love even when she is angry with you. I have said some pretty horrible things to my husband when I have lashed out in anger. Be supportive as much as possible and I would strongly urge both of you to seek counseling. Admitting that I needed help in this process was painful for me. I have always been strong and independent so admitting I didn't have all the tools I needed felt like I was a failure. If your wife is unwilling to seek counseling does she have someone she can talk and share with? If not reach out and find someone she can express her feelings to- give her my email if you'd like. This road can be overwhelming when you think you're alone. God bless and I'm praying for you"
posted at 23:33:03 on December 17, 2014 by tamara0000

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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987