I need your prayers!
By 30years
5/11/2011 7:05:56 PM
I haven’t shared this with many people. I have been an addict for 30 years. When I went to school I followed in my father’s footsteps and went into electronics. I got several jobs while I was in school. Each one had to do with computers. Each time I found myself becoming immersed in pornography. I fought it all through school. I quit several jobs because of the stress in my family and the stress at work caused by my addiction. I dropped out of school twice, changed my major once and went back to electronics. Eventually I left school altogether to provide for my growing family. I quit my job in telecommunications because I was spending too much time at the computer. The stress and frustration was killing me. I moved around allot. Got a job with Lowes and moved up to a high management position. I was spending all my time at work and none at home but I wasn’t in front of a computer all day! I left that job to find a job I could at least have weekends free. I found a job towing airplanes for an air force base. When that job was dissolved I went into the tool room as a specialist! I found myself in the same situation I was in at the college. I sit in front of the computer all day doing data entry every now and then, but I have way too much time on my hands. Plus I am working nights! Lack of sleep is a killer for me. I find myself continually falling into my addiction at work. Even with the monitoring system they have here I find ways around it. I read my scriptures every day. I pray all the time. I have a picture of my wife on the screen. I have set the main page to LDS scriptures. I listen to a Christian radio station. But still I find myself slipping into the same pattern. Last year I confided in my wife how I can’t get out of this cycle and how computers are not safe for me. We talked about different degrees I could go into. When we first got married I told my wife if there was money in farming and dairy I would be a farmer. My grandpa was a dairy farmer and I never felt closer to God than I did working on his farm. We decided I would go back to school to become a dairy farmer. We are looking at farms in Missouri right now. I just finished one term of school and have one left. It is a really hard field to get into unless you have inherited land but I believe we have figured out how to make it work. I have to run a dairy for three years and own the cows before I can be approved for a loan on land. I have to start out with a substantial amount of cows to make it profitable but we have found a good realtor and a few good farmers willing to lease the land out. We feel it will not only be a great occupation for me with my addiction, but it will build character in my children, and the struggles will continue to bring my wife and I closer together. I feel drawn to it! I need some prayers though. It is so hard to get into, and so risky with all the regulations and wild weather we are having, but I feel it’s the right thing to do!

Please include us in your prayers. I feel strength from all of you every time I come on here. Please pray for me that I will be able to stay strong until we get our farm, and that we will be able to get financing and be led to the right farm.



Are you in recvovery?    
"Are you in active recovery? If so, great. Keep plugging forward. If not, you need to be. Eventhough you will own a farm, you will still struggle with lust because you sound like you are an addict. Maybe I am wrong.

It is great that Heavenly Father is answering your prayers and you will get to fill your ife's dream, but you must be in recovery to be healed. Staying away from porn is a great thing, but you will find yourself returning to it again and again until you are healing through the atonement and staying clean. When you do that it will not matter what you do for work.

I don't want to sound like the Dairy Farm thing is all wrong. Only you and your wife (and God) know if this move is the right one for you and your family. It sounds like it is.

I will pray for God's will regarding your farm. And I am wishing you the best in staying clean and buying the farm."
posted at 19:50:50 on May 11, 2011 by Anonymous
You are so right!    
"One of the problems with being on nights is the only meetings here are at night while I am at work. The farm will give me a chance to attend meetings regularly! I have been calling in on the SA hotline but I can’t during work hours. I totally agree I can’t do it on my own! I was able to attend a few of the churches program meetings before I had to start nights. I have been meeting with my bishop and going through the churches handbook, but it isn’t the same!"
posted at 21:26:15 on May 11, 2011 by 30years
"The farm idea sounds awesome. I'd like to think that I could manage, or at least work on, a farm, but I don't know that I'll ever come across that chance. It just seems like such a simple life, without all the clutter and noise of the modern world. TV and internet and movies and video games and cell phones and ipads and blah blah blah. Technology is great, but it makes the world so cluttered, it seems to me. Living and running a farm just seems...I dunno...simple. And awesome. I'm all for it and I'll pray that you'll be able to find what's right for you.

As for the recovery group thing, I have a slightly different take than others here. I'm not saying I think going to a recovery group is ever a bad idea. I think it's definitely helpful, for those who need it. But I think--this is just how it seems to me--that people are putting too much emphasis on getting help from recovery groups. Yeah, they can help. But they shouldn't be our main source of help. We're not supposed to trust in the arm of flesh, we're supposed to trust in God. God is really the only help we will ever need. As long as you're trusting in Him, remaining humble, striving to keep the commandments, and desiring to move forward, I think you're on the right path.

Like that line from the children's nursery rhyme (the 'ring-around-of-roses' one), "we all fall down." Focus on getting back up instead of the falling down part."
posted at 01:29:11 on May 12, 2011 by Zero
I second Zero    
"For me, God is the only hope for lasting change. The only 1 thing I can really 100% bank on for the next 50 years.

Groups were big for me when I first started.. because my experience was that LDS church never taught me what I learned in the manual... and it was just sooooooo cool to talk about sex within an LDS church buildling. It was very cathartic I guess.

Now.. I'm at the point.. that I can talk about it with just about anyone at church in the right moment... BUT, it's never the same... as talking with another 12-stepper who just GETS IT. and totallly gets that without GOD it's never going to happen.

It would be fun to create a recovery center/dairy farm... Learn how to work hard.. and learn how to work the steps... a recovery center and a dairy all in one. :)

I know one thing for sure... that God loves pouring out blessings on people who take spiritual risks... and I'm excited to see the blessings/miracles that are coming your way!"
posted at 21:25:09 on May 12, 2011 by gracefull
Thanks for the prayers!    
"I’m sorry it took me so long to respond. I have been doing a lot to prepare for the farm. There are mountains of paperwork and a ton of research to do. I would love to do the whole recovery dairy farm. My wife has played with the idea. It would be great to do.

I love this web page. I can feel your strength every time I read all of your imputes! You are all in my prayers. I can feel the Lords hand in all of your lives, and in mine. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for your prayers! We are excited to see what comes of our efforts. We will let you know what happens. "
posted at 21:40:38 on May 18, 2011 by 30years

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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006